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Hello everyone! Thanks for joining us on this episode of The Leader Show with Lou Carter. Today, Lou interviews executive coach Marshall Goldsmith about his new book, “The Earned Life,” which explores the source of today’s existential crisis: regret.
Goldsmith, who has coached over 200 CEOs and their management teams, helps readers identify the psychological and environmental roadblocks that prevent them from unlocking their best potential. In his new book, he examines the regret that stems from choices that alter our lives and haunts our memories.
With that said, let’s delve deep into the insights Marshall Goldsmith shares in this episode.
Louis sets the tone for the conversation by asking Marshall Goldsmith to define the concept of “the earned life” from his new book. In response, Goldsmith explains that living an earned life means making choices, taking risks, and putting in the effort that aligns with an overarching purpose in our lives.
Carter notes that this approach focuses on the journey rather than the outcomes, and Goldsmith agrees, pointing out that Western culture often places too much emphasis on achieving results. He argues that this is a fool’s game because we don’t have total control over the results, and achieving results doesn’t necessarily bring lasting peace or happiness.
Goldsmith likens this to the Buddhist concept of the “Hungry Ghost,” always seeking more without ever feeling satisfied.
Next, Louis and Marshall discuss the idea that many people believe they will be happy when they achieve a certain goal or acquire a certain product. Goldsmith argues that this message is reinforced by Western culture and is a major source of the existential crisis of regret. According to him, happiness is not something external that can be acquired but rather something that comes from within.
Subsequently, when asked if it’s possible to live unbound by regret and how to avoid wallowing in it, Coach Goldsmith suggests that the key is to focus on finding peace in the present moment rather than worrying about the past or future. He further emphasizes that this does not require a permanent, eternal commitment but rather just a willingness to focus on the here and now.
Every breath is a new opportunity to reinvent oneself and move past regret. Goldsmith explains that forgiving oneself for being human is a major challenge many people face. He suggests an exercise where one takes a deep breath and thinks of all the previous versions of oneself and the gifts they have given to the present self. When they exhale, they can feel gratitude towards the older self and overcome any lingering regret or resentment.
On that note, Carter shares a quote from Johnny Carson about not trying to complain or convince others of one’s viewpoints. Goldsmith mentions his book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There,” in which he identified winning too much as the number one problem for successful people he has coached. He notes that it can be challenging for successful people not to feel the need to win all the time.
After that, Louis asks Marshall how “The Earned Life” has helped people become more fulfilled and reset their lives. Goldsmith explains that the book was inspired during the pandemic and his experience doing lifestyle review calls with 60 amazing people, including Curtis Martin, Pau Gasol, and other accomplished individuals. These calls inspired Goldsmith to write the book, and the participants found them valuable because they were held accountable without being judged.
They also appreciated the opportunity to connect with others and feel like human beings, which can be difficult for successful leaders. While the old adage “It’s lonely at the top” was always true, in the 21st century this phenomenon has only gotten worse. This is because top leaders and executives often feel lonely and misunderstood as they are constantly scrutinized for their viewpoints, be it on social media or in real life.
Having coached executives for almost 40 years, Goldsmith highlights two key points that he’s noticed about successful individuals. The first is that despite their accomplishments, these people face the same human struggles and challenges as everyone else, such as dealing with family and health problems.
Secondly, for them to achieve a fulfilling life, they have to align their aspirations, ambitions, and daily actions. Goldsmith notes that some individuals get lost in the action phase, others become stuck in the aspiration phase, and those who are “achieve-a-holics” mistakenly believe that achievement alone will bring them happiness.
He then cites one of his clients, Safi Bahcall, who learned from Curtis Martin that happiness and achievement are independent variables and that one should strive to be happy for the sake of being happy rather than compulsively seeking achievement.
For Marshall, disconnecting from negative thoughts and behaviors is the key to finding happiness and meaning in life. He suggests two options – change your profession or change your attitude. He also emphasizes the importance of asking oneself if one did their best to be happy daily.
Additionally, Marshall shares his coaching approach to help successful people achieve positive long-term changes in behavior and the importance of making peace with oneself, especially for billionaires who have already tasted success. Lastly, the executive coach cites Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and highlights that we are all human at the end of the day and that self-actualization is the key to achieving true fulfillment.
According to Lou, there is an increase in excessive empathy in the world, which he believes is causing harm. He asks Marshall if empathy can sometimes have negative effects. In reply, Marshall highlights that empathy can have both positive and negative effects.
He then mentions the four types of empathy, which are:
Empathy of understanding can be used to manipulate others. And while empathy of feeling can be positive if it makes one more sensitive, it can also lead to being too overwhelmed by other people’s pain.
As far as empathy of caring is concerned, it is positive, but it can also lead to being less effective in one’s work. Lastly, empathy of doing can create dependency and prevent people from taking responsibility for their problems. It is important to recognize the potential negative effects of empathy and to strike a balance between caring for others and taking care of oneself.
On that note, Marshall recommends practicing singular empathy, serving those who need you in the moment. He shares an example of a Broadway actor playing Aladdin, whose job required him to fall in love with the princess every night, for a thousand shows. To motivate himself to perform, he would harken back to his childhood when he experienced the magic of the theater for the first time. As long as he can inspire another child like that in the audience, he considers himself fulfilled. us that real empathy is not just feeling someone’s pain but doing what is needed for them in the moment.
He then mentions his singular empathy, which is to help people listening to the call have a little better life.
Goldsmith then discusses the concept of credibility and how it needs to be earned twice. He explains that credibility is about doing great work and being recognized as someone who can do great work.
Additionally, Marshall talks about the credibility matrix, which has two dimensions: The first is when you try to prove yourself, but it won’t make a positive difference. This is discussed in the book “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.”
The other dimension is when you are not trying to prove yourself, and the world would be better off if you did.
Lastly, Lou and Marshall discuss the latter’s book, The Earned Life, which Marshall describes as a philosophical and psychological book about having a good life. He believes that the book applies to everyone, regardless of their job title or status, and it specifically targets those interested in self-improvement.
Thank you for listening!
